more and more mucus-y stuff. And contractions, but nothing regular about them. I’m guessing he’s gonna be here soon, he’s just taking his sweet time about it. Still propping my feet up, fingers still feel like they need syrup (sausage links), ankles and feet not as swollen, but only if I keep propped up all day long. More laundry, keeping hydrated, that’s about it.

I can’t believe I forgot it’s my first blogoversary today!!

Yeah, if I hadn’t already received monogrammed gifts, I might have changed his name to Jonah, cause I look like an Orca. *sigh* If you need any lard, there’s probably some in my fingers and ankles. They feel like sausage links. Can you take Lasix when you’re pregnant? Just curious. For the first time, I’m wishing this was over earlier than anticipated. I’m just the teensiest bit miserable. But he’s fine, he’s moving and bouncing all over, so I’m grateful for that.

Well, there’s still a belly to watch, and I’m still contracting. No more oozing. I spotted a little bit last night, but I’m sure that’s from where the nurse (who happened to be my 1st preceptor ever and has been doing OB nursing for longer than I’ve been on the planet) checked me yesterday. He’s dropped, I can tell cause I can breathe! He’s moving a lot. I’ve had my feet up all day except for meals and laundry (which I have to do or I’ll arrive at work or the hospital VERY cold due to being VERY nekkid) so my cankles don’t look so bad today. Trying to stay hydrated and fed, and finding something to watch on tv. YCU recently nixed the movie channels in our cable plan, so I’m now beginning to realize what people mean when they say they have 200 channels and nothing’s on. Most of those channels are sports, children’s, or CNN related. Sports? Isn’t that where they throw a ball a lot and get injured? Children’s? Well, I figure I’ll have plenty of time for that. CNN? Why, so my anxiety level will just increase? Whatever. I did get some thank-you notes written today, and have been web surfing and reading. YCU is asleep, see, and my car is still at work, so I guess I’m stranded, for now. However, he’s off Monday, so I guess I’ll go get it then.

My child is moving around an awful lot. Wonder if he really is making his bid for freedom soon?

Well, I had my first false alarm today. I went to work, as usual, and about the middle of the day, I felt um, wetness. I went to the potty, took care of business, and still felt trickling. So, I called the boardrunner (who sounded an alarm like the cavalry, apparently) and she sent me relief. I was just gonna quietly leave and drive myself to the hospital (I know, one hospital to another), but no. All of a sudden, 84000 people were getting me a wheelchair, making me sit, telling me to call my husband, etc. As if I wouldn’t have done all those things anyway, but I didn’t need a audience! Anyway, got to L&D, and they hooked me up, my bp was up a bit, and I’ll be damned, but I was contracting! I couldn’t feel them, really, just crampy type stuff. So, I sat there for 3 hours (and didn’t get any lunch, mind you) and got sent home. They checked me, and I’m still 2cm, and I guess the trickly stuff was mucus plug, maybe? I don’t know. And do you know, after all we talked about, who was the first person my husband called? Yeah. His mother. We are not amused. I have been instructed to put my feet up, rest, and report to the OB Tuesday, unless I start to feel funky. Then I’m to show up Monday. Oh, and I’m still contracting every few minutes.

Well, I’m 1cm and 70% effaced. Cool. He’s measuring 36 weeks and about 6lbs. Cooler. His umbilical cord is down between his legs, and, as he’s running out of room fast, he can’t get wrapped up in it too badly. Great! We didn’t have to drive to see his friends cause one of the girls decided to get all “Dallas” on him and share that ’she’d fucked up her 1st marriage with infidelity’. I think she was having delusions of grandeur. Anyway, he got irritated cause he’d just wanted to have lunch and was a bit tactless in his response. Lunch, canceled. Awesome. We donated some stuff to Goodwill today, exchanged some things that we’d been given multiples of. So, all in all, I think it was an excellent day!

unappreciative bitch who needs a spanking. And maybe I do, but if that’s gonna offend or disappoint you, please don’t read any further. I just can’t believe it. Can’t fucking believe it.

I want to know how it is that pieces of garbage who don’t give a shit about their children (other than how much money they can bring in every month) can be so lucky. She had to have blown somebody to have won this. The last time we saw her, she’d gained at least 100 lbs, now we know why. She was trying to qualify to win gastric banding surgery. And she did. Yes, the ex-bitch. Picture in the paper and everything. $15000 prize package. I hope she loses the weight, forgets to take any pictures, and gains it all back. That’s what happens to most banding patients. They can still eat whatever they want, SO THEY DO. And it makes their stomach expand again, even with the band, and they gain the weight back. I actually feel sorry for the other patients, but if it happens to her, I’m throwing a party, I swear. How can this happen? Where is karma when you need it? Course, I guess the real bitch of it is needing to have it done in the first place. Maybe that’s where I should take my solace. Ok, bitching done.

In other news, the swelling went down considerably, and I can still get my rings on my fingers, so I’m not gonna worry for now. Although, this morning I woke up cramping. I’m just gonna drink some water and relax, and call the doctor if it doesn’t subside. That’s what she’d tell me to do anyways, if I called her now. I’ll keep you posted. Hopefully, full bladder relief will take care of it. Oh, and I called in to work. Figured relaxing wasn’t in the cards if I didn’t.

Update: Well, I caved and called the doctor this morning. The edema has gone down, and I’m still wearing my rings comfortably, but I’m still cramping a little bit. Nothing really painful, just noticeable. Sheila the Nurse said that it was probably a good idea to call in to work today, and to swing by this afternoon and check a bp and urine. She said we could listen to the baby’s heart rate while we were there, too, if we wanted. He’s still moving around a lot, so I’m not worried about him really, but the whole PIH/bed rest thing kinda worries me. We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted.

Update on the update: Had a trace of protein in my urine, and blood pressure was 135/84. Had some swelling, but it had gone down, so no worries there. No other symptoms like headache, or blurred vision, or any of that mess. I’d had trace amounts of protein in my urine a couple of times before, and with no edema and normal bp, and my doctor said she doesn’t even get concerned till it registers 1+. Basically, stay off the feet as much as possible, and rest another day. I’m off tomorrow, so no problem. HR was 139, 148, 157. He decided to show off. He is my child.

Ok, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my original due date. I didn’t notice really, cause I was working all day. Today, I was talking about ppd with a girl who went through it after her baby was born. She talked about how scary it was and that she was ashamed of having to walk away from her child due to frustration. I told her about my anxiety at my lowest points, and how I had to avoid Thanksgiving last year cause I wasn’t ready to meet my nephew and just broke down. Started sniffling. Got worse. I still feel guilty about not being able to face a 6 lb baby who’s the sweetest thing on the planet. (I figure mine isn’t here yet, so he’ll be numero uno till then.) I still get teary eyed thinking about how I was holding him at Easter and had my nose buried in his hair trying not to cry. Just one of those emotional kind of days, ya know. Well, fast-forward to the last case of the day. I finally got fed up with the skirt and vest lead that I was wearing for the C-arm cases and grabbed 2 lead aprons and just wore them front to back/back to front. It was lighter than the skirt and vest combo I’d had on, and felt easier to move in. Well, the PA asked if she could have one of them. I just looked at her. Then she said “Well, you’re wearing two.” Yes, I replied. “Trust me, your baby’s fine.” I had to grit my teeth and forcibly restrain myself not to say “You make one helluva lot more money than I do, why don’t you effin’ get your own?” and burst into tears. I managed to hold all of that in and look straight ahead and gave up the lighter lead apron for a heavier one. She said that her spinal defect thanked me, cause it hurt her back to have to wear the heavy ones for long. *breathing deeply through nose, trying not to lay into her* It all made me realize how tightly wound I really am about all of this. I managed to get through the next few minutes tear-free and just quietly explained that my thyroid had reacted badly to it, and I just wasn’t taking any chances whatsoever, not even cleaning my own bathroom for fear of inhalants. I’m sure I was giving her the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look the entire time, cause she started to backpedal and explain how she talked about it with her OB when she was pregnant and that the 1st 20 weeks were the most important time to worry about it, etc, etc. I just told her (as politely as I could) that I understood that I was a bit neurotic. She then said “Well, after all you’ve been through, it’s understandable.” By this time, I’m sure I was giving her the ‘fuck off’ look, cause she stopped talking and didn’t mention it the rest of the case. I’m chalking this up to pregnancy hormones, cause under normal circumstances, I like this girl a lot. I just found her attitude condescending, and again, found myself wanting to say “Yours came out perfect the first go round. You have no idea how I feel, and you don’t understand one bit at all!!!!” *deepbreathsdeepbreathsstavesofftears* Which, like I said, demonstrates how tightly wound I really am, cause there was nothing I could have done different to have had a different outcome the first time, at all. There was nothing anyone could have done. And I don’t know that she didn’t have any losses, or anything else. And she’s normally very kind and considerate and ultra-sensitive to other people. So I’m pretty sure it was just me and my hormones making me nuts today. I’m really glad no one decided to fuck with me today. I might have ended up on the news, for real this time.

Oh. Yeah. The MIL has been invited to the baby shower on Saturday. Yaaaay. Bring out the pompoms. Anyway, YCU asked me if I’d invited her, and I said ‘Noooo, I didn’t think you wanted me to.” He said that ‘well, it was his mom, ya know, and’ …. so now she’s invited. I don’t know if she’ll come, but just…ugh. I’m not sure I’m up for this, especially as the hubby will be sleeping cause he has to work that night. He also hasn’t had the ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with her or my stepson. I want the boundaries set now. I told him I didn’t care if he had to write it down and read it to them, but it had to come from him, or it would be completely ignored. I won’t be undermined, defied, or made to be the bad guy. All purchases need to be approved prior to gift-giving event, and there will be no unsupervised time, due to other pre-existing issues that are preventing the stepson from living here with us, and the fact that she’s crazy and inappropriate, and does things without asking and just generally overstepping. She is not to ‘drop by’, bring the stepson by or otherwise intrude herself without calling first, cause YCU and I have agreed there is to be no contact without both of us present. Until he has this discussion, I’m just gonna be leery of the whole situation. I don’t know any other way to handle the situation. I’ve got to protect my child. I also have to mark territory. If he wants me to piss on her shoe, I can do that, but it would really be easier if he would just grow a pair and deal with his own mother. If he makes me do it, he won’t like the way it’s handled.

That’s what I should have named this blog. Anyway. I gotta get together a go-bag for the hospital stay. Clothes for me, clothes for the Jumping Bean, Diapers, wipes (for the trip home, in case we have to stop anywhere), toiletries in miniature(?), hairbrush, blow dryer (I’m not buying a new one, will just have to try to remember on the way, otherwise will be using the drip-dry method), house shoes (I never wear them at home, but seriously? You don’t want to walk around a hospital in bare feet or even just socks. And you look really stupid wearing your tennies with your bathrobe.) pj’s, and I don’t even know what all else. Pads! Will be needing those, no? And don’t I need to pack the boppy and diaper bag? Hand sanitizer for when the family comes to call? I’m never going anywhere again that it won’t look like I’m moving.

In other news, the house is swept, mopped, dusted, guest bathroom cleaned (courtesy of the roommate), I just need to vacuum, and get the rest of the clothes put away and hung up. I feel soooo much better with a clean house. This is going to cause a problem postpartum, isn’t it. Hmmm. Mom and Aunt are coming for a week (combined, not consecutive, although that doesn’t sound half bad now you mention it) so hopefully it won’t be too bad for a little bit. Oh sleep, wherefore art thou? Maybe I’m practicing for later, ya think?

Well, I didn’t get the job, because they’d closed the interviews. But all is not lost. They’re doing a lot of re-structuring in the next year or so, so maybe I can apply for board-runner(charge nurse) or coordinator for some other service. Today is my 1st baby shower, so I’ll be leaving to go to that soon! I’ll update with pictures later. I’m officially vaccinated for the flu and H1N1. It was that or have to wear a mask at all times (while I’m at work) for the next 6 months. I can’t breathe unless the temperature’s cool in those masks, so no. I’ll just get the shot. Just working and watching my belly dance! Yes, he’s all over the place. People at work are fascinated by my belly. I don’t mind if people touch my belly, just please ask me first! I wanted to go hose off in bleach after one of the doctors touched me one day. No news on the Jackass Dr that hollered at me. They may not be allowed to tell me, but as I am directly involved, I wish they would. YCU found a job working nights, but it may work out that I won’t have to rely on the SIL as much as I thought. She’s great. If anything ever happens between my brother and her, I’m keeping her and sending him back to Costa Rica (where she’s from)! She totally makes up for my MIL who’s just crazy. The job he found doesn’t make much money, but it’ll take care of his child support and help out a little bit, and I can take call and work a little extra here and there to make up the difference. So, in other words, I’m feeling better about our financial state. I’m surprisingly not as stressed out this week. I think it was just a culmination of everything at once that was making me neurotic. Yes, I’m much more zen this week. I’ll take that.

We were all talking in the room today, before the case started, and one of the girls revealed that she and her husband were getting a divorce. She’s endured breast cancer this year, with chemo, but she wanted to make sure that everyone didn’t think badly of her husband. She said that they’d just grown apart and that she’d always felt like a single mom, and that they just didn’t connect anymore. She also made the statement that kids can either bring you closer together, or they can tear you apart. I cried for her, because she was so torn up about it, and I cried for myself, because I’ve been living in abject terror of this for some time now. But I also thought about it a bit. If my husband didn’t leave me when I was bitter and angry and taking it out on him, I’m thinking he’s a keeper. He’s so excited about the baby, and he’s all about protecting the house (hence the gun enthusiasm all of a sudden). I was never a crier, in fact, I always thought those people were sappy. I’ve learned that I just didn’t have the life experience to empathize with the sufferer. I’m of the opinion that the whole experience has made me a better person, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. It makes me sad.

I’ve been really stressing about money and how much it’s gonna cost to raise this baby and pay the bills, and all that. I finally came to the conclusion that I’m responsible for feeding him, clothing him, keeping him safe, healthy and clean. If he doesn’t have all the best stuff, well, I guess it’ll give him something to work toward. I can only do what I can do, and being my child, he’ll adapt pretty quickly, no?

Oh, and about the bra situation. I went ghetto on it. I tied a cotton string around the straps to keep them on my shoulders, and safety-pinned the strap slides. So the potential for wardrobe malfunctions is much lower. Not streamlined, but functional. For the moment.