Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{December 30, 2008}   Anencephaly

It’s a terrible thing.  Being told that your child will never live outside your womb.  I still don’t understand why it happened to me.  I just want to get pregnant and have a baby like everyone else.  I’d like to be a better mother than the teenagers that I see at the mall texting while their babies are chewing on their fists.  I’d like to be a better mother than the teenagers I see smoking in the presence of their babies.  I’d like to be a better mother than the woman on the news that sedated her baby to the point of respiratory arrest so she could go dancing.  But I don’t get to.  Have I done something I need to repent for?  Did I miss a sign somewhere?  I don’t get it.  I also don’t get why I can’t find any balm in Gilead either.  Why can’t I get pregnant again?  Anencephaly doesn’t beget infertility.  Why do I have to endure this frustration?  I got pregnant the first time with no effort at all.  And that one gets taken away from me.  Did someone think I wouldn’t value her as much as if I’d tried for years?  How do they work that one out?  Is this the punishment I get for not carrying my child to term?  I don’t know if that was the right decision or not, but it was the only one I knew to make.  I’m sorry about not wanting to add insult to injury and cause my husband more grief by putting myself at risk of an amniotic fluid embolism.  Exactly what it sounds like, except the death rate is higher.  Yeah, there’s a good reason to prolong something pointless.  Simply to prove that I could carry a baby?  I don’t think so.  Maybe that’s selfish.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I can’t go back and undo it, so I guess I have to suffer.

My husband found my glasses  last night.  Right where I thought I lost them, too.  I looked for 2 days and got nowhere.  Oh well.  Guess he’s good for something.  God, I’m tired of him being stubborn just because he likes to watch me get mad.  He thinks it’s funny!  Can you imagine!  What a bastard.  I’m so tired of trying to do the right thing and truly wanting to treat everyone equally and then being undermined and embarrassed by my own husband!  He insists on being a slob, no matter how I show him that he’s being disrespectful of my time.  He says and does things that are inappropriate and offensive, and when I tell him that, he tells me he thinks it’s funny, therefore, there’s nothing wrong with it.  Bullies think that way.  It makes me ill that he seems to have no remorse for things that hurt other’s feelings, namely mine.  I hate him right now.

et cetera