Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{December 30, 2008}   Anencephaly

It’s a terrible thing.  Being told that your child will never live outside your womb.  I still don’t understand why it happened to me.  I just want to get pregnant and have a baby like everyone else.  I’d like to be a better mother than the teenagers that I see at the mall texting while their babies are chewing on their fists.  I’d like to be a better mother than the teenagers I see smoking in the presence of their babies.  I’d like to be a better mother than the woman on the news that sedated her baby to the point of respiratory arrest so she could go dancing.  But I don’t get to.  Have I done something I need to repent for?  Did I miss a sign somewhere?  I don’t get it.  I also don’t get why I can’t find any balm in Gilead either.  Why can’t I get pregnant again?  Anencephaly doesn’t beget infertility.  Why do I have to endure this frustration?  I got pregnant the first time with no effort at all.  And that one gets taken away from me.  Did someone think I wouldn’t value her as much as if I’d tried for years?  How do they work that one out?  Is this the punishment I get for not carrying my child to term?  I don’t know if that was the right decision or not, but it was the only one I knew to make.  I’m sorry about not wanting to add insult to injury and cause my husband more grief by putting myself at risk of an amniotic fluid embolism.  Exactly what it sounds like, except the death rate is higher.  Yeah, there’s a good reason to prolong something pointless.  Simply to prove that I could carry a baby?  I don’t think so.  Maybe that’s selfish.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I can’t go back and undo it, so I guess I have to suffer.

duck says:

i too can not ever be pregnant, i can not carry a baby, i will not have a positive pregnancy test I will never ever ever even for a small moment ever be pregnant.
It’s a lot to take in, so go easy on yourself and give yourself some time.

Thank you for your support. I get into these bitter angry places and all anyone wants to say is “Just relax, adopt, etc.” I have to keep being positive and it’s really hard sometimes. Sorry for whining. Hope I didn’t ruin your night!

Geohde says:

I am sorry. Sadly, I know these felings all too well.


Val says:

I am deeply sympathetic to your tragedy… I had two “strikes” against me before successfully delivering my son on our 3rd attempt – & quite frankly I was so disillusioned after losing Baby Jessica (#2; hydrocephalus & spina bifida) that I honestly didn’t WANT to try again! (I’m not a brood mare after all 😉
Blogging has been good for me in sorting out my thoughts so I would advise you to keep on writin’…

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