Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

Now I’m in bitter mode.  Again.  My Ute will not behave properly, even after Geohde’s kick.  I’m still spotting, at least that’s what I’m calling it, since it still isn’t a normal period.  All brown, old blood.  Not red and clumpy, like usual.  Sorry if that’s too much info, but I don’t know how else to describe it.  I wish she would make up her mind.  However, unless these are dire circumstances, I can’t be pregant.  Even implantation doesn’t “spot” this long.  Or this much.  So at least now we know.  So now I don’t want to go back to my doctor.  I’ve booked a pap for next month, and I don’t want to go.  I’m usually the 1st one on the table, setting a good example, and doing my yearly baseline checkups.  But I don’t want to go.   She’ll ask me how I’ve been doing, and I’ll say fine, which is a lie.  Then it’ll be very tense as she tries to discern whether it’s safe to delve further.  Which it isn’t.  They already think I’m nuts since I came running in there with what I thought was a positive hpt, which was negative by the time I got to their office, apparently.  I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want them looking at me with pity and saying they’re sorry and to keep trying!   I wish I could just start over, go somewhere new, where they don’t know me from the man in the moon, but that would be really stupid.  I love my doctor, but now I don’t feel she’ll really take me seriously.  Again, I have no reason to feel that way other than the fact that I don’t trust myself now, so why should she?  That’s probably harder than not being pregnant.  The not trusting myself.  People keep saying to give myself time, and not be so hard on myself.   About what?  I used to be sane.  Totally type A, but sane.  Mistaken, from time to time, but confident in myself and how and where I was.  I don’t see that expecting yourself to be sane and clear-headed and confident about life in general is being hard on myself.  I just want to feel normal.  About the time I think I’m finally getting there, and maybe just this once, I was “relaxed” enough, I get my period, and realize I have no idea what I’m doing.  I have no plan, I can’t seem to get pregnant, I’ve done every miracle trick on the internet, (at least the free, affordable ones) and none of it works.  So I’m not doing it right, or there’s something wrong, and I can’t afford to find out what it is, so what’s the point, right?  Yeah, that’s where I’m at, right now.  No sense of humor, and crying in the living room because YCU is in bed, and I’m afraid to go back in there because he’ll either wake up, or he’ll try to comfort me and I’m not in the mood.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I just want to go back to normal.  It’ll be just the two of us, and we’ll be able to afford nice vacations, and not have to worry about teenagers and jail being in the same sentence.  I’ve had so many people tell me not to be impatient, that it’s all worth it in the end when you get to hold that little one.  Yeah, well, it’s real easy to say from the other side.  Or they say ‘but look how long it took_____!’  Well, I’m sorry, but _____ must just be better than me, if she’s able to keep this up and not get ‘impatient.’  Also may I just point out that she never had one and had it jerked out from under her and was then made to suffer not being able to get pregnant again.  May I point out that there’s no discernable reason why I can’t get pregnant again, yet I can’t seem to.    Right now, I’m not seeing how it’s all ‘worth it.’  So kiss my ass, folks, I’m royally pissed off, and there’s nuttin’ any of you f_____rs can do about it!!  I think I may be suffering from “assvice overload.”  It’s getting so backed up that all the shit I’ve been holding back is now coming out in the form of “potty mouth.”

et cetera