Ninapintasantamaria's Blog











{February 8, 2009}   Gynos and speculums and stirrups, oh my!

Yes, tomorrow is the dreaded pap smear.  I still don’t want to go.  I have no recourse to request any type of fertility help.  I don’t know if I can demand an ovarian u/s.  I guess I can.  That would effectively rule out PCOS.  Or rule it in, as the case may be.  I guess all I can do is bring it up.  She’ll either laugh at me, or take me seriously.  Or tell me to keep trying, which I’ve already told you what the consequences of that’s going to be.  I just hope there’s something I can do, or try that I’ve not already thought of.  They still hurt, by the way.  Wonder how the breast exam’s gonna go?  I know I don’t have endometriosis, I’ve just always had somewhat irregular periods.  I remember when I was a teenager, I would go sometimes for 3 months without one, but as I wasn’t trying to procreate then, it didn’t seem like a big deal.  I was able to use it as an excuse to get on BCP’s though, which was useful in explaining that action to my mother without any embarrassment.  I just chalked it up to being a kid with hormones.  Now I’m worried.  Panicked, actually.  I just don’t want to go.  I’m so afraid she’ll tell me something’s wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it, or that there’s nothing wrong with me, and I need to have my husband checked out, which there’s probably nothing I can do about that either.  I’m soooo afraid that my one fucked up pregnancy was a miracle, and that it was sheer luck to have even gotten pregnant, and that it’s not likely to happen again without divine or medical intervention.  The 1st of which I’m afraid I really don’t deserve or don’t have the faith to deal with, and the 2nd I just can’t afford.  I want to click my heels together and go back about 1.5 years and start taking pre-natal vitamins.  That would have solved all of this, and I’d be a mother now, with no fertility insecurities.  I’m scared.

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