Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{February 20, 2009}   February 20th.

This time last year, I was blissfully unaware I was already pregnant.  I had conceived 10 days earlier.  I’d just turned 29.  This time last year, I was full of hope for the future.  I was so excited about trying for a baby.  I never dreamed I’d have an anencephalic pregnancy, or ever be infertile.  My family is huge!  And everybody is fertile.  Hell, some of them are so fertile, they had babies before they even got married, or had jobs, or graduated high school!  My one pregnancy was a miracle, and it got taken away.  I don’t understand, and I’m so scared it’ll happen again.  I can’t do this again.  I simply can’t .  Please God, make this happen for me.  Please help me get pregnant.  And have the baby.  And get to watch it grow up healthy and strong.  Please take away my fear and my envy of others.  I know I’m coveting, which is a sin, but could you help me with that too?  I’m sorry for screaming, cussing, hollering, and being pissed off in general, but I need help with all of that too.  I want so badly to feel her moving inside me again.  I want to feel happy again.  I want to feel hopeful and excited again.  My husband keeps talking about a really great vacation this year and I just don’t care.  It seems like no big thing since we can’t take the baby with us.  It just seems like my life is worthless without a baby.  I don’t know why.  It wasn’t that way before.  I was so happy and bubbly and fun before all this happened.

babysmiling says:

Here from LFCA to say happy belated birthday, best wishes with the cycle, and I hope that the insurance company gets their heads out of their asses soon.

Nina says:

Thanks so much. I really appreciate you thinking of me! And yes, if I have to get a winch, an oil derrick, and the Jaws of Life, they are going to dislodge their head one way or the other!

Valerie says:

Loves you. Keep up with all that praying business. Tends to be fairly helpful. 🙂

May says:

Oh, Nina, that made me cry. I’m so sorry. Loss sucks so very much, and goes on sucking for such a long time. *hugs*

Nina says:

I’m so sorry for making you cry. You don’t need any more tears. Sometimes I cry on your site too. We’ll just sniffle and swipe together until we don’t anymore.

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