Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{March 20, 2009}   So I’ve had a couple of bad days.

In a row.  Like 4 of them.  I’ve cried at work and just had a nervous breakdown at home for a solid week.  Think I need to call my doctor and have her up my dose of Well.butrin?  Probably.  I’m kinda afraid to do that though, cause I’ve already lost 30 lbs.  I really don’t think I need to lose any more.  I can’t afford new clothes right now.  And I’m beginning to think that’s what’s screwed up my periods, along with all the hormone imbalances.  I’m just so angry all the time.  I’m bitter and angry about things I can’t control, which makes me even more angry.  People keep saying “It just wasn’t your time.  God will let you have a baby when it’s your time.”  If it wasn’t my time, then why let me get pregnant in the 1st place?  The clomid didn’t work, and I’m really tired.  After the YCU and I fought all night, we made up and I told him that if it was all right with him, I wanted to take a break for awhile.  He agreed.  I’m just so relieved.  I’m so tired of feeling like this.  It’s just not fair.  It’s not just, and it’s not right.  I don’t like this person I’m becoming.  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  I wouldn’t ever wish something bad on someone, I just don’t understand why this happened to me.  I hurt so badly for all the people who’ve experienced loss, cause if they’re not feeling like this yet, they will soon.  I just don’t understand why people who have no business having babies get to have them, and I can’t.  It makes me bitter.  So we’re taking a break.

Kristin says:

{{{Hugs}}}…people can say the stupidest things to women dealing with IF and/or miscarriages. I wish they would think before they open up their yap and just say “I’m sorry for all the problems you’ve been having.” or even “I’m sorry for your loss.”

So, I am very, very sorry for everythign you have gone through and for your loss. I hope things stabilize and get better soon.


Nic says:

I am so sorry for your loss and your struggle. I am not going to tell you to relax as its crap and all I ever hear. I really hope you get your dream of having a baby soon once the break is over. I think a break is a good thing to get your head sorted and get prepared to give it a good go again. Kepping fingers crossed. ICLW

Nina says:

Thank you. I’ll keep you posted! Pun totally intended.

thedaythatidie says:

Well, that’s life. I’m like that too. I’m so angry at everything. Only I put up a facade. You don’t. That’s nice. You told me to not cut my wrist because there’s more to life than just being sad. You said something like that. Well yeah, there is. Let’s find out.

I know what it’s like to just be sad. You just can’t help it right? But what can we do? I dowana be sad forever! I know you don’t too, so let’s just divert. Unless you have a better idea. 🙂

hey. thanks for stopping by my blog 😉

I’m new around here so I definitely don’t know the details of what you’re going through so i’m not going to try to offer advice. but I do know that my best friend lost her baby last year and my co-worker has gone through IF several times so I have seen firsthand what a horribly stressful and heartbreaking situation this all can be. I know everyone tells you to relax and blah blah blah. … so I’m not going to say that. It might take years, it might be sooner than that but just know, that you WILL be a mom someday, one way or another.

It’s good you’re letting your feelings out.

Taking a break can sometimes be the best thing to get back to ground zero. TTC kinda takes over life, like a vampyre sucking blood until the victim just dies. I hope that the break is kind to you and lets you get back into a good place before jumping “back in the saddle” (oh, if only that meant happy things).

I hear you on the bitterness and the rage.

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