Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{March 22, 2009}   Sigh

I don’t like the person I’m becoming.  But I don’t know what to do really.  Today we walked through the mall and it must have been “walk your beautiful new baby in the stroller with the top down so everyone can see” day.  I had to start looking over everyone’s head at the shop signs.  Which, as I’m rather petite, was no small feat.  I looked completely stupid with my nose up in the air.  My husband, who, by the way, says he’s moved past all this shit that’s happened to us, kept pointing out how cute they were.  He also made me stop on the way home last night to hobnob with the same friends who I told you about that I didn’t want to see or talk to their irresponsible asses because neither of them knew how to put on a condom.  Yeah.  And the one that I actually liked the most and probably would have been ready to talk to first in time, began to lecture me about what marriage was all about (highly ironic, seeing as he’s not gotten there yet) and then told me that his fiance had just texted him and told him that she and “the peanut” were going to bed.  I just sortof looked away, then he said “Oh, and I wish you both luck.”  What an asshole.  The friend, not the husband.  Although the YCU did throw me under the bus, especially in light of the fact that I’d already told him I didn’t want to see these people.  He also then told me that a year was long enough for anyone and that I needed to move past this,because it was probably what was holding us back.  I guess I have to hold in how I feel.  I guess he’s ready to move on.  He told me he didn’t like the person I was now and that he wished I’d just gone to my gyno appt last year and had another IUD put in if he’d known what was going to happen.  I wanted to tell him I agreed with him, but I just held it in.  I don’t know if he really meant it, or if he was just mad that I backed the car out in front of all his stupid friends and told him I was ready to leave, was he coming, or was he getting a ride home.  He tends to go for the jugular when he’s mad.  Whatever he thinks is my weakest link is what he goes after.  He’s never really learned to fight fair.  He can’t attack the issue, he usually goes after me when we argue.  But last night I think he was right.  I’m kinda glad we’re taking a break from trying.  It’s obviously affecting our relationship.  Hell, he may decide he doesn’t want kids now or something.  I might decide the same thing, I don’t know.  I need to work on myself and get myself straightened out.  I can’t be angry and bitter that other people get to have babies.  They can’t help the hand biology dealt me or them either.   I can’t continue like this at work, either.  The poor people there can’t be my therapists anymore.  I shouldn’t be sharing all that at work.  Their gonna start thinking I’m crazy.  And I am, just not like that.  At least, I don’t think so.  I mean, I could be…..

I think the angriness and bitterness about what comes easily for others is normal.

Abiding with you, Nina.


it’s so hard when you feel like not only is your body betraying you, but your husband is too. i don’t think men really get what infertility does to us ladies.

i wish you all the best and better days ahead.


Nina says:

Oh, I wouldn’t say that. He doesn’t get it, but I don’t necessarily think about it in those terms. I think he wants to get it, and I think he just wants “me” back. I want me back too.

Erica says:

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing the same shitty convos with your husband. I find that no matter how much I love him, he just doesn’t really “get” it. I don’t think they’re equipped to deal with grief in the same way as us, which sucks when they’re our main source of comfort. Honestly, I think I like blogging so much, because I can get out my emotions and talk to others that truly understand. Then I try to leave it in the blogosphere. I’m not doing a terrific job at that yet, but hell, I’m trying!!!

I wish you tons of luck with your journey and hope that you’re heart heals a little more each day. And thanks for your honest comment on my blog. It’s nice to “meet” you.

ICLW #15

Valerie says:

I’ve had conversations like that with Dad. I really don’t think men understand how things affect us. There are a few who do a pretty good job, but unfortunately they don’t tend to stick around very long.

thedaythatidie says:

yeah, you get mad too much and you’re so sarcastic like you are not introduced to other emotions in the world. 😉 but what’s nice about that is that you’re honest and you don’t pretend. but if you keep up being angry and stuff, you’ll just feel bad so just be ok and try to get over that sad phase in your life. accept reality like some people.

Katie says:

I hate those “everyone walk their baby through the mall” days! They feel to be held on the worst day possible in my cycle.
Thank you for your ICLW post on my counseling appointment. I am surprised she hasn’t suggested medication yet. Maybe I should ask, but I think if she was really concerned about me she would have brought it up. Maybe I will ask next time.

Your husband and my husband should get together!

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