Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{March 29, 2009}   Ahem. Landscaping for summer

It’s come to my attention that there seem to be a lot of people who spend just entirely too much time on this activity.  I, for one, see nekkidity, tooties, and wee-wees all day long, and there are lots of other things I’d rather do with my time.  I’m convinced, based on this evidence, that heart disease isn’t getting younger, it’s these bikini-area obsessed people contorting themselves into odd positions trying to accomplish the grass mowing without a hand mirror, and then valsalving themselves into cardiac arrest!  For the non-medicos in my readership, let me ‘splain.  The Valsalva Maneuver is the method by which you “strain” during bowel movements.  (Elvis Presley, anyone?)  Everyone does it, just not everyone knew there was a fancy name for “The Shit Stance.”  Now, this maneuver is also used when people go into funky heart rhythms (such as Atrial Fibrillation) to get the people out of them.  However, if you do it long enough (such as would be required to finish this type of job) you can cut off blood supply to key areas of the body and cause yourself to faint, or, as previously stated, arrest.  Seriously.  I’m not kidding.  Sorry folks, I’m not that concerned with an area of my body that only 3 people are ever going to see again.  (Minus the nurses in my dream delivery of my make-believe child, of course.)  I’ll clean up for gyno appts and bikini season, and that’s pretty much all you’re gittin’ outta me.  And even then, it’s not gonna look like Playboy Magazine came by yesterday for some photoshop material.  I tried waxing once.  ONCE.  That’s all I have to say about that.  Again, due to the hand mirror requirements, and me only having 2 hands.  I called my husband in to help, but he got waaay too much enjoyment out of the whole incident.  Not to mention the funny e-mail that was going around for awhile about the woman who was waxing and managed to glue her tootie and butt-cheeks together and to the bottom of her tub.  I’m surprised she didn’t have to call the fire department.  I just had no idea that there were people so concerned with this.  Did I miss that fashion trend?  Or were people worried I’d make fun of them, sorta like I’m doing now?  And did you know how expensive this was?  There are people who charge in excess of $100US for this service!  How do they sleep at night?  Now, I understand this is likely not a desirable job requirement, but gloves exist for a reason, folks!  In my opinion, if you lack the manual dexterity to use gloves and wax at the same time, it’s possible you need to consider a career change.

battycatlady says:

Ok, now that I can BREATHE again… *still giggling*

May says:

“grass mowing” bwahahahah….

Lorza says:

Not to mention you have to let it GROW OUT to have it done again. I tried landscaping for a while…got tired of throwing money out the window and STILL having to shave b/c it wasn’t time for another wax. UGH. This was many MANY moons ago…when i was still growing my brain cells.

Lorza says:

ps…as I an old ER nurse- I quickly lost the suprise of the shear amounts of people that would be brought in after being found on the commode. Honestly- the most codes would come in starting at 5am. People getting up and starting out the day on the toliet..and a lot of the time ending it there.

mwahahahaha hilarious. its why its just my “disposable” razor and me. so what if it looks like george michael’s stubble down there after a few days? No one checks it out anymore but the male, myself and my fertility specialist and his crew of fifteen… sigh.

I tried self waxing once. I don’t wanna talk about it.

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