Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{April 18, 2009}   My Ute has taken over my body.

No, I didn’t just acquire a beautiful Indian Hunk.  I meant the ornery bastard that lives just above my tootie.  I just burst into tears after reading a post on Lost and Found.  I don’t know how to link things, but if you click that link on my blogroll, scroll down to Kirtsy’s Pick of the Day.  It described my feelings exactly.  I can’t walk into Babys R Us.  I can’t stand to listen to other people talk about their kids/babies.  Every time I see a stroller, I have to look away.  I have to force myself to go to my brother’s house to see my nephew.  I’m sobbing right now.  I just had to jump up and run to the bedroom so my husband’s friends wouldn’t see me crying.  They’ve already seen me righteously pissed off today, and if they see any more emotion, I’m afraid they’ll offer my husband to come live with them.  At least until the demons have been exorcised from my body.  He’d probably take them up on it.  I want the cute socks, and the beautiful crib, and the ribbons and the decorated nursery.  I want the carseat, and the toys and the teeth marks on the furniture.  (I figure it won’t be new anymore by the time I may ever have a baby.)   I even want the spit-up and the nasty poo pants.  Ok, maybe that’s going too far.  But I don’t think I’d complain, at any rate.  I have to deep-breathe and blink each and every time I hold my nephew.  I love him, but I don’t just want to be “Aunt Nina.”  I hate family gatherings now because everyone’s watching to see how I’ll react to him.  Yes.  Everyone.  I understand the concern, but I really wish I could just see my grandparents during the week when it’s just me, not with 50 other people present.  I’ve had to send baby gifts with my grandmother, or give the gift before the shower cause I couldn’t make myself go.  It hurts so much to have to give one of my blankets away.  Which is stupid, cause that’s why I make them, but every time I finish one, I’m hoping to have a reason to keep it.  This feels so selfish.  I used to enjoy giving people the baby blankets I made for them.  Now, I can’t bear to see their excitement.  I want to give without the coveting, like I was taught as a kid, but it’s gotten so hard.  The last one, I broke down and ran from her (the mom-to-be) after shoving the sack in her hand.  Yeah.  I really felt mature and adult-like then.  Can you hear the sarcasm?  She found me, and understood, luckily, but I don’t want that to happen again.  I really want to just be able to cry about something happy for once.  I haven’t been happy in so long, I don’t even remember what that feels like.  Not my marriage, I didn’t mean that, I just meant on the inside.  People can wish me well all they want, but it’s not gonna get me pregnant any faster.  It hurts so much.

Jen says:

ICLW-er here. Thank you for writing that… I think we’ve all felt that way sometimes, and sometimes it feels good hear that someone else has felt just that way too.

starky says:

I think everyone feels like that sometimes. I felt like I was the only one, and that there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t be happy for others. It is such an isolating thing, but remember you’re not alone, and there are plenty of people who feel exactly the same way. There’s no shame in it at all!

Smitty76 says:

Visiting via ICLW and just wanted to thank you for this. I’ve felt this exact same way. Some days are harder, some are easier. IT’s never not with you, though.


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