Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{May 18, 2009}   For no good reason

I keep talking myself off the ledge, but it’s getting harder.  I still don’t feel pregnant.  I have u/s pics to prove it, I have sore breasts, but that’s it.  I’m terrified to tell very many people, just in case.  Today, I did tell one of the girls I work with, and she said she could tell that I was being cautious and not getting really excited and attached.  Ouch.  I want to be, I’m just so very, very afraid.  I’m terrified to think beyond tomorrow.  I find myself wanting to do my usual and plan ahead for work wear, and start registerring now for stuff at Babies R Us, and then suddenly I think to myself “But what if… Nah.  Not yet.”  What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I get excited?  Another girl I work with (the same one who came and found me after one of my breakdowns;  see previous posts) came to me and was sooo bubbly and excited for me, but I was just kind of numb.  I’m still thinking every second that everything’s gonna take a shit and it’ll be less of a blow if I just don’t think about it and don’t get excited.  I doubt I’m really doing a good job at it, and I’m likely just fooling myself into thinking that, but I’m so afraid.  Help.


Man – I can relate. I wish I could say it gets easier, but at some point, you’re going to realize that you can be happy. We’re 14 weeks, still cautious, but it’s getting better day by day.

Hang in there, and keep positive thoughts.

rosesdaughter says:

After I managed to tell everyone at work today, all the happy happy joy joy was starting to get on my nerves. Everyone kept asking, how did you keep it a secret for so long? They were all SOOOOOO happy. But deep inside, I still feel like a fraud. I hated telling people. I still haven’t told half of my friends, or co workers at my hospital job. Jeez. But hang in there!!!! I feel your pain!

Enna says:

Oh honey I just hope you feel better. Sorry you are going through this.

I’ve been picking out baby stuff since long before I got pregnant (as in years and years before), but at 14 weeks I haven’t registered yet — partly because I wouldn’t want anyone to stumble on the registry before we’ve announced.

You don’t need to tell anyone you don’t want to until you feel totally ready, or at least until your belly can’t be disguised anymore.

You don’t even need to think beyond tomorrow. One day at a time.

The feelings will come, but you have a lot of history to overcome first.

Good luck, and take care.

battycatlady says:

Loves you. Loves you very very much. No advice though; I can think of none.

becomingwhole says:

ditto babysmiling…everything you said sounded normal to me. Give yourself a break, woman! It’s kind of a big switcharound, no, to go from, “I can’t get pregnant” to “I’m pregnant”? You’ll get there. There are no “should’s” in this–just be where you are, and stop shoulding on yourself. 😉

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