Ninapintasantamaria's Blog











{September 24, 2009}   Yes, I swallowed a volleyball. Wilson, I think.

Someone asked me today if I’d swallowed a volleyball at breakfast! How funny! Everyone keeps telling me I ‘finally’ look pregnant! I told them I’d been feeling pregnant for quite some time, now, but yeah, Fletcher is definitely leading the way! Someone asked me today if it was my 1st, and I answered yes before I even thought. Kind of odd, considering I was concerned about that a few months ago. I guess I just don’t want to get into the whole story with some people. Think Little One will appreciate the thought anyway? I had a strange conversation today. I’m very close with some of my co-workers. They’ve been to dinner at my house, and I’ve been to see them play. They’re in a band, did I mention that? Anyway, they are. I was explaining to Mr. Friend that I really felt like I couldn’t let my son be around my stepson (without really getting into details) and he started to jump down my throat! I knew I could trust him with the details, I just didn’t want to get into it right then, but I went ahead and explained anyways. He apologized later, and we talked more in depth. Every single person I’ve explained this to has been able to see it both ways. Yes, I must at all costs protect my child, but my stepson is my husband’s child who needs us. I teared up, mostly because of abject fear. It’s stupid to let a 15 year old kid control my emotions like this, but I’m truly afraid he could hurt my son and I (or my husband) might get complacent and not realize what’s happening. Mr Friend was sympathetic, and understood that as a 1st (2nd?) timer, I’m scared of any and everything and waaaaay charged up. Part of it is the real threat, but part of it is me being afraid to admit that I’m still afraid I won’t get to have him at all. That something will happen. I’m afraid every day that some disaster (not even baby related) will strike. I’m not sure I can cope with anything else. Now EB is trying to cause trouble with the child support (although my husband’s been paying extra to catch up from his gap between jobs) and I just don’t have the strength. If she wants more money, well, she can’t get blood from a turnip, ya know? I can’t think of anything else it could be, since she’s about to lose that income for good. I need sleep. And some Xanax. Can’t get one, can’t have the other.

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Lorza says:

I am sorry you are going through that. I think you have to go with your gut on feelings like this with your stepson. Doesn’t mean never ever see him, but no unsupervised visit or babysitting. I would think it would be prudent to go with your feelings. {{HUGS}}



rosesdaughter says:

I’m sorry you are still worried about your stepson. Like the PP said, no unsupervised visits or babysitting should cover any worries you will have. In the meantime, try not to let it stress you out.



Kari says:

So sorry this happy time has to be overshadowed by dark thoughts. Hoping things get better, and as the others have said go with your gut.

ICLW



Kari says:

So sorry that such a happy time has to be overshadowed by dark thoughts, and I agree with the others go with your gut. Hoping the remainder of your pregnancy is happy and healthy!!

ICLW



Kristin says:

It’s awful that you even have to worry about that. {{{Hugs}}}



You totally should not have to be dealing with this extra stress, and I am sorry that this 15 year-old is causing such distress.

I didn’t realize how close we are in due dates – we are 29 weeks along!

ICLW



raspberry sweet says:

(((hugs)))
My older sis and her husband have to deal with this with his older son. At times, he is not allowed at all around their younger son (2 year old). Things are hard. Take care of yourself. Breathe. Be gentle on yourself. Remember that peoples reactions are mostly about THEM and less about YOU.



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