Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{November 5, 2009}   What a day.

Ok, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my original due date. I didn’t notice really, cause I was working all day. Today, I was talking about ppd with a girl who went through it after her baby was born. She talked about how scary it was and that she was ashamed of having to walk away from her child due to frustration. I told her about my anxiety at my lowest points, and how I had to avoid Thanksgiving last year cause I wasn’t ready to meet my nephew and just broke down. Started sniffling. Got worse. I still feel guilty about not being able to face a 6 lb baby who’s the sweetest thing on the planet. (I figure mine isn’t here yet, so he’ll be numero uno till then.) I still get teary eyed thinking about how I was holding him at Easter and had my nose buried in his hair trying not to cry. Just one of those emotional kind of days, ya know. Well, fast-forward to the last case of the day. I finally got fed up with the skirt and vest lead that I was wearing for the C-arm cases and grabbed 2 lead aprons and just wore them front to back/back to front. It was lighter than the skirt and vest combo I’d had on, and felt easier to move in. Well, the PA asked if she could have one of them. I just looked at her. Then she said “Well, you’re wearing two.” Yes, I replied. “Trust me, your baby’s fine.” I had to grit my teeth and forcibly restrain myself not to say “You make one helluva lot more money than I do, why don’t you effin’ get your own?” and burst into tears. I managed to hold all of that in and look straight ahead and gave up the lighter lead apron for a heavier one. She said that her spinal defect thanked me, cause it hurt her back to have to wear the heavy ones for long. *breathing deeply through nose, trying not to lay into her* It all made me realize how tightly wound I really am about all of this. I managed to get through the next few minutes tear-free and just quietly explained that my thyroid had reacted badly to it, and I just wasn’t taking any chances whatsoever, not even cleaning my own bathroom for fear of inhalants. I’m sure I was giving her the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look the entire time, cause she started to backpedal and explain how she talked about it with her OB when she was pregnant and that the 1st 20 weeks were the most important time to worry about it, etc, etc. I just told her (as politely as I could) that I understood that I was a bit neurotic. She then said “Well, after all you’ve been through, it’s understandable.” By this time, I’m sure I was giving her the ‘fuck off’ look, cause she stopped talking and didn’t mention it the rest of the case. I’m chalking this up to pregnancy hormones, cause under normal circumstances, I like this girl a lot. I just found her attitude condescending, and again, found myself wanting to say “Yours came out perfect the first go round. You have no idea how I feel, and you don’t understand one bit at all!!!!” *deepbreathsdeepbreathsstavesofftears* Which, like I said, demonstrates how tightly wound I really am, cause there was nothing I could have done different to have had a different outcome the first time, at all. There was nothing anyone could have done. And I don’t know that she didn’t have any losses, or anything else. And she’s normally very kind and considerate and ultra-sensitive to other people. So I’m pretty sure it was just me and my hormones making me nuts today. I’m really glad no one decided to fuck with me today. I might have ended up on the news, for real this time.

Oh. Yeah. The MIL has been invited to the baby shower on Saturday. Yaaaay. Bring out the pompoms. Anyway, YCU asked me if I’d invited her, and I said ‘Noooo, I didn’t think you wanted me to.” He said that ‘well, it was his mom, ya know, and’ …. so now she’s invited. I don’t know if she’ll come, but just…ugh. I’m not sure I’m up for this, especially as the hubby will be sleeping cause he has to work that night. He also hasn’t had the ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with her or my stepson. I want the boundaries set now. I told him I didn’t care if he had to write it down and read it to them, but it had to come from him, or it would be completely ignored. I won’t be undermined, defied, or made to be the bad guy. All purchases need to be approved prior to gift-giving event, and there will be no unsupervised time, due to other pre-existing issues that are preventing the stepson from living here with us, and the fact that she’s crazy and inappropriate, and does things without asking and just generally overstepping. She is not to ‘drop by’, bring the stepson by or otherwise intrude herself without calling first, cause YCU and I have agreed there is to be no contact without both of us present. Until he has this discussion, I’m just gonna be leery of the whole situation. I don’t know any other way to handle the situation. I’ve got to protect my child. I also have to mark territory. If he wants me to piss on her shoe, I can do that, but it would really be easier if he would just grow a pair and deal with his own mother. If he makes me do it, he won’t like the way it’s handled.


Quiet Dreams says:

Yesterday being the one year anniversary is HUGE. I’m not surprised you were so emotional. I’m so sorry that you had that loss.

Good luck with the family drama. Ugh. Not envying you AT ALL on that front.

Kristin says:

It’s no surprise you had a tough day. Even if you weren’t consciously thinking about the anniversary, the idea was lurking in your mind and I am sure that is a huge reason you reacted the way you did. {{{Hugs}}}

rosesdaughter says:

Breathe in through your nose….out through your mouth.
Of course it was a tough day! Like the PP said, I think subconsciously you were fully aware of what day it was, and that contributed to the already present pregnancy hormones.
And as to the family drama……..((BIG HUGS))

I am so sorry sweetie! I have never had pregnant hormones- just regular hormones..and those are bad enough! Good luck with the family.

what an emotional roller coaster of a day for you!
Hope you gave that jumping bean an extra rub.

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