Ninapintasantamaria's Blog

{November 7, 2009}   Baby Shower #3!!

Wow. That’s all I can say. We’ve been so amazingly blessed with wonderful family and friends who love us. I’ve sort of been down in the dumps lately cause of all the work troubles and money worry and such. We don’t have it that bad. We have it great, really. I have a job, YCU has 2 jobs, I’m so proud of him for trying so hard and doing so well with all this stress. I’m so touched that everyone thinks that much of us and our baby!! My mom, aunt, and grandparents all chipped in and bought my stroller/carseat combo and an extra base for the other car. (I was really afraid I wouldn’t get that, and would have to figure out where the money was going to come from just so I could take him home! You have to prove you have a carseat and that it’s installed properly before you can take the baby home.) Someone told me that I wouldn’t get everything I wanted, but I would get everything I needed. They were only half right. We got everything we needed and everything we wanted!! I know a couple that has a new baby and didn’t even have one shower or anything given to them. We’ve had everything given to us. It makes me want to give them some of the beautiful things I’ve been given, just to help them out. I’m just so grateful. (And the MIL didn’t show, call, write, say kiss my butt, or anything. *contented sigh*)

{November 5, 2009}   What a day.

Ok, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my original due date. I didn’t notice really, cause I was working all day. Today, I was talking about ppd with a girl who went through it after her baby was born. She talked about how scary it was and that she was ashamed of having to walk away from her child due to frustration. I told her about my anxiety at my lowest points, and how I had to avoid Thanksgiving last year cause I wasn’t ready to meet my nephew and just broke down. Started sniffling. Got worse. I still feel guilty about not being able to face a 6 lb baby who’s the sweetest thing on the planet. (I figure mine isn’t here yet, so he’ll be numero uno till then.) I still get teary eyed thinking about how I was holding him at Easter and had my nose buried in his hair trying not to cry. Just one of those emotional kind of days, ya know. Well, fast-forward to the last case of the day. I finally got fed up with the skirt and vest lead that I was wearing for the C-arm cases and grabbed 2 lead aprons and just wore them front to back/back to front. It was lighter than the skirt and vest combo I’d had on, and felt easier to move in. Well, the PA asked if she could have one of them. I just looked at her. Then she said “Well, you’re wearing two.” Yes, I replied. “Trust me, your baby’s fine.” I had to grit my teeth and forcibly restrain myself not to say “You make one helluva lot more money than I do, why don’t you effin’ get your own?” and burst into tears. I managed to hold all of that in and look straight ahead and gave up the lighter lead apron for a heavier one. She said that her spinal defect thanked me, cause it hurt her back to have to wear the heavy ones for long. *breathing deeply through nose, trying not to lay into her* It all made me realize how tightly wound I really am about all of this. I managed to get through the next few minutes tear-free and just quietly explained that my thyroid had reacted badly to it, and I just wasn’t taking any chances whatsoever, not even cleaning my own bathroom for fear of inhalants. I’m sure I was giving her the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look the entire time, cause she started to backpedal and explain how she talked about it with her OB when she was pregnant and that the 1st 20 weeks were the most important time to worry about it, etc, etc. I just told her (as politely as I could) that I understood that I was a bit neurotic. She then said “Well, after all you’ve been through, it’s understandable.” By this time, I’m sure I was giving her the ‘fuck off’ look, cause she stopped talking and didn’t mention it the rest of the case. I’m chalking this up to pregnancy hormones, cause under normal circumstances, I like this girl a lot. I just found her attitude condescending, and again, found myself wanting to say “Yours came out perfect the first go round. You have no idea how I feel, and you don’t understand one bit at all!!!!” *deepbreathsdeepbreathsstavesofftears* Which, like I said, demonstrates how tightly wound I really am, cause there was nothing I could have done different to have had a different outcome the first time, at all. There was nothing anyone could have done. And I don’t know that she didn’t have any losses, or anything else. And she’s normally very kind and considerate and ultra-sensitive to other people. So I’m pretty sure it was just me and my hormones making me nuts today. I’m really glad no one decided to fuck with me today. I might have ended up on the news, for real this time.

Oh. Yeah. The MIL has been invited to the baby shower on Saturday. Yaaaay. Bring out the pompoms. Anyway, YCU asked me if I’d invited her, and I said ‘Noooo, I didn’t think you wanted me to.” He said that ‘well, it was his mom, ya know, and’ …. so now she’s invited. I don’t know if she’ll come, but just…ugh. I’m not sure I’m up for this, especially as the hubby will be sleeping cause he has to work that night. He also hasn’t had the ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with her or my stepson. I want the boundaries set now. I told him I didn’t care if he had to write it down and read it to them, but it had to come from him, or it would be completely ignored. I won’t be undermined, defied, or made to be the bad guy. All purchases need to be approved prior to gift-giving event, and there will be no unsupervised time, due to other pre-existing issues that are preventing the stepson from living here with us, and the fact that she’s crazy and inappropriate, and does things without asking and just generally overstepping. She is not to ‘drop by’, bring the stepson by or otherwise intrude herself without calling first, cause YCU and I have agreed there is to be no contact without both of us present. Until he has this discussion, I’m just gonna be leery of the whole situation. I don’t know any other way to handle the situation. I’ve got to protect my child. I also have to mark territory. If he wants me to piss on her shoe, I can do that, but it would really be easier if he would just grow a pair and deal with his own mother. If he makes me do it, he won’t like the way it’s handled.

{November 3, 2009}   Wall o’ Diapers

That’s what I have! My baby shower at work was amazing!! I got a lot of gift cards and clothes, and the doctors all chipped in and bought me a bassinet!!! Even the ones that drive me insane. Here I thought they hated me! How sweet! One of the girls remembered that I liked her baby’s portable hanging chair and bought me one. I got so many gift cards I was able to buy a changing table, diapers in all sizes, wipes, one of those bumbo chairs, and a changing table mattress. We brought home 2 truckloads today! I didn’t think they liked me that much. Now I gotta get thank you notes. I can’t believe all the stuff I got. Hand-stitched quilt, monogrammed blankets, clothes, you name it. They thought of stuff I didn’t think of. Course, they would, since they’ve done this before. Pics to follow.

Update: This morning, he woke me up at 4am to see all the stuff he’d put together in the nursery. He stayed up all night doing it. I now have my dream nursery. He’s wonderful. He drives me crazy some days, but truthfully, I couldn’t have picked a better one. I’m so proud of him.

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Last night I picked up New Moon and started to re-read. You know, in honor of the new movie coming out. Now. I’ve read this before. I got to the part where Edward leaves Bella and started crying!! I’d like to think this is just pregnancy emotions coming out, and that it won’t happen again, but I’m not sure. I still can’t believe this. I used to pick on Mom so bad for crying at the end of Sense and Sensibility. Every time. I was reading and realized that Stephanie (Meyer) totally described how I would feel if the YCU ever left me, like I was being punched in the gut and run over by a large herd of antelope, and *sniffle, sniffle, SOOOOOOOBBBBBB!*. I guess he’s really my Edward. He may not be perfect, but he’s perfect for me, right? (See? See? Sap.)

In other news, tea really is good for heartburn. I only had it for a little bit last night, and it resolved itself. I was able to get back to sleep and everything.

et cetera