I’m thankful for an easy pregnancy. I’m thankful for my husband and family. I’m thankful for and absolutely blown away by our friends and family’s generosity. I’m thankful for my beautiful baby boy that moves and reassures his neurotic mama every hour, just like he’s supposed to. I’m thankful for my job. My life could be so much worse. I could be struggling so much more than I am. I’m kind of ashamed that I’ve been whining so much. I don’t deserve nearly what I’ve got. But I sure am grateful.

Wow. That’s all I can say. We’ve been so amazingly blessed with wonderful family and friends who love us. I’ve sort of been down in the dumps lately cause of all the work troubles and money worry and such. We don’t have it that bad. We have it great, really. I have a job, YCU has 2 jobs, I’m so proud of him for trying so hard and doing so well with all this stress. I’m so touched that everyone thinks that much of us and our baby!! My mom, aunt, and grandparents all chipped in and bought my stroller/carseat combo and an extra base for the other car. (I was really afraid I wouldn’t get that, and would have to figure out where the money was going to come from just so I could take him home! You have to prove you have a carseat and that it’s installed properly before you can take the baby home.) Someone told me that I wouldn’t get everything I wanted, but I would get everything I needed. They were only half right. We got everything we needed and everything we wanted!! I know a couple that has a new baby and didn’t even have one shower or anything given to them. We’ve had everything given to us. It makes me want to give them some of the beautiful things I’ve been given, just to help them out. I’m just so grateful. (And the MIL didn’t show, call, write, say kiss my butt, or anything. *contented sigh*)

Ok, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my original due date. I didn’t notice really, cause I was working all day. Today, I was talking about ppd with a girl who went through it after her baby was born. She talked about how scary it was and that she was ashamed of having to walk away from her child due to frustration. I told her about my anxiety at my lowest points, and how I had to avoid Thanksgiving last year cause I wasn’t ready to meet my nephew and just broke down. Started sniffling. Got worse. I still feel guilty about not being able to face a 6 lb baby who’s the sweetest thing on the planet. (I figure mine isn’t here yet, so he’ll be numero uno till then.) I still get teary eyed thinking about how I was holding him at Easter and had my nose buried in his hair trying not to cry. Just one of those emotional kind of days, ya know. Well, fast-forward to the last case of the day. I finally got fed up with the skirt and vest lead that I was wearing for the C-arm cases and grabbed 2 lead aprons and just wore them front to back/back to front. It was lighter than the skirt and vest combo I’d had on, and felt easier to move in. Well, the PA asked if she could have one of them. I just looked at her. Then she said “Well, you’re wearing two.” Yes, I replied. “Trust me, your baby’s fine.” I had to grit my teeth and forcibly restrain myself not to say “You make one helluva lot more money than I do, why don’t you effin’ get your own?” and burst into tears. I managed to hold all of that in and look straight ahead and gave up the lighter lead apron for a heavier one. She said that her spinal defect thanked me, cause it hurt her back to have to wear the heavy ones for long. *breathing deeply through nose, trying not to lay into her* It all made me realize how tightly wound I really am about all of this. I managed to get through the next few minutes tear-free and just quietly explained that my thyroid had reacted badly to it, and I just wasn’t taking any chances whatsoever, not even cleaning my own bathroom for fear of inhalants. I’m sure I was giving her the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look the entire time, cause she started to backpedal and explain how she talked about it with her OB when she was pregnant and that the 1st 20 weeks were the most important time to worry about it, etc, etc. I just told her (as politely as I could) that I understood that I was a bit neurotic. She then said “Well, after all you’ve been through, it’s understandable.” By this time, I’m sure I was giving her the ‘fuck off’ look, cause she stopped talking and didn’t mention it the rest of the case. I’m chalking this up to pregnancy hormones, cause under normal circumstances, I like this girl a lot. I just found her attitude condescending, and again, found myself wanting to say “Yours came out perfect the first go round. You have no idea how I feel, and you don’t understand one bit at all!!!!” *deepbreathsdeepbreathsstavesofftears* Which, like I said, demonstrates how tightly wound I really am, cause there was nothing I could have done different to have had a different outcome the first time, at all. There was nothing anyone could have done. And I don’t know that she didn’t have any losses, or anything else. And she’s normally very kind and considerate and ultra-sensitive to other people. So I’m pretty sure it was just me and my hormones making me nuts today. I’m really glad no one decided to fuck with me today. I might have ended up on the news, for real this time.

Oh. Yeah. The MIL has been invited to the baby shower on Saturday. Yaaaay. Bring out the pompoms. Anyway, YCU asked me if I’d invited her, and I said ‘Noooo, I didn’t think you wanted me to.” He said that ‘well, it was his mom, ya know, and’ …. so now she’s invited. I don’t know if she’ll come, but just…ugh. I’m not sure I’m up for this, especially as the hubby will be sleeping cause he has to work that night. He also hasn’t had the ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with her or my stepson. I want the boundaries set now. I told him I didn’t care if he had to write it down and read it to them, but it had to come from him, or it would be completely ignored. I won’t be undermined, defied, or made to be the bad guy. All purchases need to be approved prior to gift-giving event, and there will be no unsupervised time, due to other pre-existing issues that are preventing the stepson from living here with us, and the fact that she’s crazy and inappropriate, and does things without asking and just generally overstepping. She is not to ‘drop by’, bring the stepson by or otherwise intrude herself without calling first, cause YCU and I have agreed there is to be no contact without both of us present. Until he has this discussion, I’m just gonna be leery of the whole situation. I don’t know any other way to handle the situation. I’ve got to protect my child. I also have to mark territory. If he wants me to piss on her shoe, I can do that, but it would really be easier if he would just grow a pair and deal with his own mother. If he makes me do it, he won’t like the way it’s handled.

That’s what I have! My baby shower at work was amazing!! I got a lot of gift cards and clothes, and the doctors all chipped in and bought me a bassinet!!! Even the ones that drive me insane. Here I thought they hated me! How sweet! One of the girls remembered that I liked her baby’s portable hanging chair and bought me one. I got so many gift cards I was able to buy a changing table, diapers in all sizes, wipes, one of those bumbo chairs, and a changing table mattress. We brought home 2 truckloads today! I didn’t think they liked me that much. Now I gotta get thank you notes. I can’t believe all the stuff I got. Hand-stitched quilt, monogrammed blankets, clothes, you name it. They thought of stuff I didn’t think of. Course, they would, since they’ve done this before. Pics to follow.

Update: This morning, he woke me up at 4am to see all the stuff he’d put together in the nursery. He stayed up all night doing it. I now have my dream nursery. He’s wonderful. He drives me crazy some days, but truthfully, I couldn’t have picked a better one. I’m so proud of him.

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Last night I picked up New Moon and started to re-read. You know, in honor of the new movie coming out. Now. I’ve read this before. I got to the part where Edward leaves Bella and started crying!! I’d like to think this is just pregnancy emotions coming out, and that it won’t happen again, but I’m not sure. I still can’t believe this. I used to pick on Mom so bad for crying at the end of Sense and Sensibility. Every time. I was reading and realized that Stephanie (Meyer) totally described how I would feel if the YCU ever left me, like I was being punched in the gut and run over by a large herd of antelope, and *sniffle, sniffle, SOOOOOOOBBBBBB!*. I guess he’s really my Edward. He may not be perfect, but he’s perfect for me, right? (See? See? Sap.)

In other news, tea really is good for heartburn. I only had it for a little bit last night, and it resolved itself. I was able to get back to sleep and everything.

That’s what I should have named this blog. Anyway. I gotta get together a go-bag for the hospital stay. Clothes for me, clothes for the Jumping Bean, Diapers, wipes (for the trip home, in case we have to stop anywhere), toiletries in miniature(?), hairbrush, blow dryer (I’m not buying a new one, will just have to try to remember on the way, otherwise will be using the drip-dry method), house shoes (I never wear them at home, but seriously? You don’t want to walk around a hospital in bare feet or even just socks. And you look really stupid wearing your tennies with your bathrobe.) pj’s, and I don’t even know what all else. Pads! Will be needing those, no? And don’t I need to pack the boppy and diaper bag? Hand sanitizer for when the family comes to call? I’m never going anywhere again that it won’t look like I’m moving.

In other news, the house is swept, mopped, dusted, guest bathroom cleaned (courtesy of the roommate), I just need to vacuum, and get the rest of the clothes put away and hung up. I feel soooo much better with a clean house. This is going to cause a problem postpartum, isn’t it. Hmmm. Mom and Aunt are coming for a week (combined, not consecutive, although that doesn’t sound half bad now you mention it) so hopefully it won’t be too bad for a little bit. Oh sleep, wherefore art thou? Maybe I’m practicing for later, ya think?

and nowhere to go. I’m blogging away heartburn again. I hope I’m not one of those who has to have my gallbladder out. Ugh. It’s not like I don’t know any good surgeons, but ugh. Woke up cramping and immediately my brain goes into overdrive. “OMG. What if…. Wait, how long was that? Could it just be gas?” Yeah. I’m neurotic. I even felt him kick while this was going on. Now. I know he wouldn’t be kicking and rolling around like a cat in a bag if he was in some sort of distress. He was just ’smushed’. And now that we’ve ‘evacuated’, the heartburn’s almost gone. Course, I’m not sure if this was from that or the zan.tac I took. I don’t know, and I don’t care. I just want sleep.

Update: HB went away, I was able to return to the woodpile, and slept in till 10amish. Now, I have to clean up after the boys who seem tho think that clean smells like grease, trash, and cars. *sigh* Someone once told me that there’s “A Man’s Idea of Clean”, “A Woman’s Idea of Clean”, and “Sterile”. He said there’s not much difference in the last two. I’m beginning to agree with him. This was a doctor I worked with long ago. He was a pretty smart guy. I just wish I had some help. Shall have to commandeer the roommate and threaten his lodgings.

I think. I talked to the assistant director of the department today. I brought up the low morale, the abusive doctors, the cement cases, and the inappropriate comments made by the supervisors and staff regarding my pregnancy and job requirements. I just kinda vented in general. She agreed that the comments were inappropriate, and she said that she would speak to the charge nurses. She also saw my logic on the patient abandonment issue, and said that it made sense to have the other nurse come in at the start of the case, instead of having her drive 30 minutes to stand in a case for 20 or less. Why she didn’t see that on Saturday, I’m not sure, but whatever. She also agreed with me that morale was low, we feel like we don’t have any backup with the surgeons when asked for inappropriate actions, and we feel that surgeons’ misbehavior is handled on a case-by-case basis instead of a blanket ruling, which would be the fairest way to handle it. She agreed that it would be beneficial to have the Chief Medical Officer (a.k.a. Surgeon Babysitter) to come and speak to us regarding these behaviors and explain our options, and they would make that happen. Then she apologized for making me feel pressured on Sunday over the whole situation. We’ll see if any of it comes to pass.
I was a bit emotional today at work. I was getting frustrated easily, and irritated even easier. I worked with the scrub nurse this morning that closely resembles my husband in personality and behavior, and found myself responding with the same level of impatience that I get at home. This is not good. Sometimes it’s funny, but when my window-screening filter opens up to chicken wire, sometimes things come out that shouldn’t. Normally when I’m at work, I try to behave like I’ve been taught some manners. At home, I become an inbred hillbilly with knife skills when baited and irritated. I don’t have time for that shit. Tell me what I want to know, answer the question I asked you, not what you think I want to hear, and don’t hem and haw around, dammit, make a decision! If you don’t, I’ll make one, and you probably won’t like it. I’m kinda like Weezer in Steel Magnolias. “I’m pleasant!! I saw Drum Eatonton at the grocery store, and I smiled at the sonovabitch before I could help myself!!”

I had a patient tell me that I was country as cornbread today. I found this highly amusing. I realize I have an extremely southern accent, but that was just funny. He had notes all in his chart telling everyone not to give information to an ex even if she had the passcode. I had to ask if there was someone specific I could ask for in the event we needed to talk to his family. He told me to ask for “Red”. Ok. He then told me she was his new lady friend, and that he was bad with names and didn’t know her first name. Wow. Then he told me he didn’t want a catheter. I tried to explain that he may have to have one during surgery, but that we would insert it after he was under anesthesia and he wouldn’t feel a thing. His response? “Poor little guy!” I told him we’d take good care of it, don’t worry. Seriously? Come on. The guy has lung cancer and all he’s worried about is his wee-wee? Oh, and he was unemployed. And had all these women after him? What the hell. But I was country.

In other news, I’m really, really tired of having the argument over having to go into cases involving bone cement. I got sent home early today cause all the cases left were arthroplasties. Total knee, bipolar hip, radial head arthroplasties. All of these cases involve bone cement. Now, they’re trying to argue that other people are circulating those cases, and just stepping out of the room when the bone cement is being used. Well, that’s great, in the daytime when there’s other staff to back them up in case of an emergency. At night and on the weekend? We’re it. Sometimes after the bone cement is inserted, the patient can have an air or a fat embolism. This causes them to go into cardiac arrest. CPR, crash cart, code blue, the works. Well, should this happen, and I’ve stepped out of the room, I can’t come back in the room due to the fumes, and now I’ve abandoned my patient. Dangerous and stupid, to my way of thinking. But, apparently, if the nurse being sent to relieve the preggo employee bitches, then the preggo is just gonna have to tough it out. This pisses me off. I’ve tried so hard to be accommodating, wear the lead (which is really heavy) in the C-Arm/X-ray cases, worked extra, covered shifts, and tried not to be a burden. I just don’t understand why they are trying to push the issue. I think it is obvious that I want to work. I’m not trying to get out of it. I’m trying to keep my child safe, and their words to me? “Well, how much of the job requirements can you be expected to fulfill and still retain a position?” I told them that I felt I’d more than fulfilled my job requirements. They can’t discriminate against me because I’m pregnant, can they? Seriously, either the pregnant girls need to be exempted from call altogether, exempted from those cases altogether, or everyone needs to understand that they may have to back them up, should such a case come in. I just don’t understand why they can’t just say, pregnant employees are exempt from those cases. End of discussion. I understand that they can’t keep me on the payroll if I can’t do the remaining cases, and they had to send me home today. Please don’t get me wrong. I just don’t understand why I had to have the discussion at all.